thoughts from April.

The end. At a funeral yesterday, a naval veteran was laid to rest. I didn’t know him well, but all such partings are sad, and fraught with memories of what was, designs of what could have been; thoughts of what should have been. In brief, impersonal services, brought to us by personnel who didn’t know the fellow, assurance was the theme. All of it was sincerely meant, and probably, carefully, tastefully true, yet a bit void. Until that moment…
As two Naval officers stepped forward to present the United States Flag, a third, an angel, I think, stepped out of the mausoleum and began… with the first note, I gasp for breath, then hold it.
The soul in it’s timbre is like the cry of the ages. I think it was her exquisite execution, her command of the instrument; no, something more, something inexplicable, sublime, unearthly. And heart wrenching. There is a finality associated with the playing of “taps” that enervates me, like an angel of light with a devil’s tongue. No one else seemed to even cry, as if their hearts must have stopped; time must have stopped, and left me alone with the mournful melody. I tried to hold my straight face; dared not glance at my husband, while the losses creeping in his memory are being poured out through the end of a horn for all to hear. Would he break down if I looked? I guess I’m more afraid that I am the only one so moved by the haunting strains; I feel as if I could wail, while my chest heaves silently.
It’s not even about an uncle I didn’t know; but rather, another void in the family; opportunities never to be redeemed, endings that can’t be re-written. The pain is about Resurrection Cemetery, a place that holds a coffin for me, full of dead things, things I can’t know about my husband’s family, things I can’t pass on to my children. What I feel is the emptiness of a family I came into too late, after damage was done, division sown, and souls had moved on; one that didn’t share too much, for reasons I’ll never know. Heaven knows their grandmother didn’t raise them that way.
She, too, passed before I became a part of my man’s story, but I know her a bit. I know Grandma because she was a writer. We only have a few pages, and they are typewritten and faded, but oh, so precious. She had a habit of jotting down thoughts to the grandkids, and some made the journey into our possession just before the funeral; I read them when we got home. She knew my husband; really and truly, from the time he was young. She was keenly perceptive. She knew that what you are very early can determine what you are for the rest of your life. I know she loved my husband. I know because her words live, though her throat is silent.
Two voices called to me from across eternity yesterday; one reminding me of the devastating permanence of death. It was clear, poignant, succinct and cruel in it’s perfection.
The second voice is common, astute; it speaks only of the good. It is inelegant and comical, borne on material of such poor visual quality as to give no pause; I can’t believe these pages survived the years. But they did, thank the Lord, and they are the voice of hope, and they speak volumes; causing a symphony of praise in my soul where a perfect melody tried to steal my joy only hours earlier. These few words give, rather than take.
What a blessing, precious words.
There is no ending that is not a beginning. There is no voice louder than that of love. There is no pain that God can’t redeem.
“Day is done, gone the sun from the lake, from the hills, from the sky. All is well, safely rest…God is nigh.”
Rm 2009

Once upon a time...

...there was a blog.
it was little, unimportant and fun. I miss my little blog.
I still have thoughts, just no time to put them into words. maybe I should post the warmed-over articles i put in the MOPS newsletter that took all the little time i have for creative energy, or maybe i should just not be creative. Being not creative is difficult if you are. But being boring is easy if you're a mom, as my kids seem to indicate, as i sometimes hear from their familiar whining. (Which i know is bologna, or rather, bolonee, and still i let it get to me.) Anyway, i just thought it would be nice to say, "Hi! I'm still alive, and rather well!" and no, i didn't loose anymore weight, but i press on. Life is more fun if you don't stress about what you eat, anyway. but it's not easy, as at every turn, we're fed conflicting messages about our food sources rather than nutrition. i think that should be the start of another piece, but i digress; (can one make a living at such an endeavor, say, if they're really good at it??? digressing, that is.) nevertheless. i am a digresser and it makes for some good silliness. like little, unimportant, fun blogging. : )

Disgusting mom duty # 8,765....

I am gone for the evening;

I return.

Not bad, only red marker all over one arm of one couch, a reasonable price to pay for my almost 4 hours of solo time.

Sensing that all is well in my world, i ask the kids how their evening was.

In the flurry of rapid-fire, 4-person verbal attack, child #2 is very geeked to dominate the conversation and presents "the kicker"; that special comment that will most certainly draw my attention to his thoroughly interesting perspective.

Oh, and it does.

"There's a squirrel in the yard, and it's head is off, and they ate out it's butt!!!"

He is pleased, indeed, that my head turns to focus on him and his astonishing revelation.

The finger points eagerly, out the back door, and we all fly down the stairs in succession; barefoot and magnetized;

i am kind of horrified that our loving kitties could down a squirrel;( if you have ever had outdoor cats, you know what i mean; they never get the good end of a squirrel battle, and learn early not to bother trying, usually...)

Oh, what relief, it's not a squirrel! It’s only another rabbit.

I feel bad, I like rabbits. At least I never heard this one screaming for it's little life. (Have you ever heard a rabbit scream??? Not so good.)

It really is in....several… pieces.

No wonder #2 didn't know what it was!

#3 wants really, really, badly to pet it, and dances around the carnage chanting his desire.

#4 declares "ew, ew, ew..." sniffing the air in search of evidence of putrification.

#1 looks on with the studied air of one seeking to strike a mature posture.

Dad only briefly looks’ up from his computer screen, and knowingly makes no effort whatsoever toward the crime scene.

We don't expect him to.

See, dad throws up very easily.

Not wanting to have to clean up a vomit-encrusted dismembered bunny, i know what needs to come next….

“Shoo! Get to bed now..."

Everyone is in the house now, all are happily tucked in and quiet.(all happy, i kid you not! i still can't believe that part myself! True story!)

(Dad is still at the computer...)

I decide to ignore the rabbit for now.

I go for my evening constitutional instead,

Subduing my body into 50 min. of pavement-pounding having instantly been deemed far more desirable than the task at hand, and besides, I NEED that exercise!

When i return, guess what is still waiting for me; (and I ain't referring to that sexy, underwear clad beast in my bed.)

I offer to my husband that since I am still dressed, I should bag the bunny and run it over to the park to trash it.

(Last week, the chipmunk stuck to the bottom of the trashcan...)

Anyway, as his one and only contribution to the effort, he supposes that police intervention would ensue followed by headlines regarding the headless rabbit and the "satanic" cats.

I go to bed.

Of course, this morning comes, and, well, I have no choice.

Not wanting my backyard to become a macabre petting zoo, i scoop up the critter, (in 2 bags,) and put it in the trash. (OUR trashcan, not the city's.)

I thank for Lord for the beautiful autumn-like weather, also grateful that there are several bags of trash in there already, (so the carcass won't stick! What a relief!)

Ah, life is gross.

I mean, good.

Yeah, that's what i meant to say, life is good...

<@}}><

THREE? ok, no longer my favorite number; demoted and dissed...!

that's it ....again! hmmm. there are sooo many thoughts surrounding this revelation, but let's just say that i'm still plugging away, and joyfully, if not gleefully! i finally weigh less than my husband again, and that's worth something at least psychologically; (never mind that he is 6'3" and i am5'9".)
me thinks 2 things need to happen:
1) Joe, i think you are dead on about the weight training; necessitous!
2) NIX the processed SUGAR! (oo0, that statement hurts now, but i think the payoff will be sweeter than any cookies, calories accounted for or not!)

this week i have gone back to my Spirutein, which i hadn't bought because i was using up the whey i bought for a certain man whom i adore who didn't use it...now i am convinced that Spirutien has near magical powers, at least in relation to my bod!
also added some amino acids, which i believe were helpful in past uses.
now, if you look around, there is much weight loss advice; some clearly plausible and sound, some clearly wacked. that statement is precipitated by the possible belief that my loss has slowed because i was eating too little, ( a theory corroborated by the fact that i was becoming more tired and unsatiated on around 1300 cal., having added significant activity;) but i am also now convinced that the type of calories you eat really are just as important as how many you eat.
after all, you are what you eat. kind of. you never hear people say, "you are how much you eat!"
LOL.
ok, i digress.
g'night!

SAD! MAD! dejected!

ok, so i AM over it now, but i am still, well, not exactly happy.
yeah, only a 3 lb. loss showed on the scale this week..for all of last month.
OUCH! ouch! ouch!
i know, muscle weighs more that fat, and i was a bit, um, "intestinally congested".
so, well, i just decided to remind myself to be super-diligent on the calorie counting again. and i am feeling MUCH stronger...i have actually been caught
(jogging) during some of my walks. don't tell anyone. shhhh.
well, loss is good, gain is bad, so i'm still good. and you still love me, right?????
i know the fat is burning, and i am only one pound behind my schedule total, so "not so bad".
so i'm just gonna so do my exercise video now! ok!
bye!
don't comment or i'll die of embarrasment!

kids growing up too fast...

...when my daughter started singing this tune, i not only busted a gut laughing, but also got interesting insight into my own psyche, as viewed by her. Now what in my life could possibly inspire such an, um, interesting marriage of faith and practice????
to the tune of"Jesus Loves Me" sing, if you please:

"I need coffee, this i know
for the Bible tells me so!
little ones to Him belong...."

as she is climbing into the cupboard to get herself a cup down, i was taken by the pure silliness of it at first, and, then i wondered; does she think that i think that coffee is as important as Jesus?
hmmm. these are the times when i can call my children blessings : } and i realize what seriously important growth tools they are in our lives. hard looking in that mirror when you're not prepared for what you see, and you didn't ask for that glimpse...
...a bit of self-examination (and a chuckle!) with that java, anyone???

big 10!

lost 10 in June : )
slow, but sure. healthy eating is feeling good! started walking again during June, too, which is going to be a major improvement factor. Drinking lots of smoothies...they feel kinda like cheating cuz they're tasty and cool; very satisfying if well fortified! other new additions last month include an internal cleanse (30 day.) That was, well, refreshing. And i have been adding fiber to lots of things.(Acacia fiber to be specific, you can add it to ANYTHING! even add 5 grams of fiber to your cup'o'joe, and it blends totally and unoticeably into all liquids; non-thickening. add to cereal, oatmeal, you name it. the only hard part is remembering to use it! : )
Wearing some new and old clothes...saved one pair of "FAT" pants for one of those great before and after shots all the diet companies use. LOL! The only bad part is that you start to feel really good, kinda hot, happy with your changes and progress, (especially from the walking,) then you pass a full- length mirror and see that you're still, well, really,really, fat. Don't get me wrong, i was really, really, really fat; now i only feel two reallys. and in a couple of months, i'll get down to one really!
i was actually discouraged the first month, the second has been better. I credit the Lord with giving me a very helpful image of the reality of 8 lbs, (as i was discouraged by the insignificance of 8 little bitty pounds on big me,) and He led my attention to the brand-new, unopened bag of sugar in my pantry; it weighs 4 lbs.. So i had lost 2 of those. If you were to carry them around for a bit, it would be plain to you, as it was to me then, that 8 is SIGNIFICANT. i have put away from me 4 and half bags of sugar!!!!! no wonder i am feeling better. but it's still just a start : )